why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
