Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
