How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
