Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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