She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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