I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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