I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
