I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
