fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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