is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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