So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
