she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
