sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
