when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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