I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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