I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
