those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
