All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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