I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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