is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
