I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
