Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize