i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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