I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
