I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize