I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
