Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I don't deserve a penis
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
