I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Randomize
