my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
