My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
