I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
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