Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
