Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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