Capitaan dildo arrescate!
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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