Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
