she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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