Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
