What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
