Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
