My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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