Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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