I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
