Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
