i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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