the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
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