Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
