oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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