took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
