smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
