respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize