I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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