On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
