my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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