thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
