his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
