I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Randomize
