I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
