please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
