you traded sex for a burrito?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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