I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You're like the curious george of whores
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
