Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
try to milk me bitch
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