Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
