I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
