dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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