I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
