She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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