It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
