Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
