I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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