Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
17 year olds will be the death of me.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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